OMFG 🙀 aka WTF?! 😳
Forgive the ineloquence; that’s the only way it seems capable of coming out right now.
Apparently I was so out of it last night (manic joy to nonstop needing to pee) that Markéta was really very frightened. At 5:30 this morning, I was perched sitting and quivering on the edge of the bed and was completely unresponsive. She called an ambulance and I was apparently taken off to a hospital — I say “apparently” because I have no recollection of any of this at all. Even though I was transferred between several departments there, it wasn’t until early afternoon that I “came to” to the extent that I was at all self aware. Truth be told: it’s actually Sunday the 5th now.
The past few days have been pretty much lost in a cubist & confused blur. To add some stress to this overwhelming weirdness, the neurologist that examined me (who I don’t even recall seeing, but I believe I did) feels that the culprit is more likely to be MS than epilepsy! This is especially confusing since, if this is the case, I doubt even anti seizure meds will be of much help. To make matters worse, I am so unaware when I seize that my natural reaction to being informed of my having done so is to be completely incredulous. It’s like I imagine I would react if an adult “informed” me that I was Jacques Cousteau. Ultimately I have to rely on otherwise inexplicable things (like having a painfully chewed up tongue) — to realize that I really am in the wake of a full fledged seizure.
The sketch above was quickly scratched out back in February 2020 when I was dealing with being a newly minted epileptic. On one hand, I’m really quite lucky to have been thusly diagnosed as this helped answer a lot of the weirdness of regularly seizing but having no recollection of it. On a different hand, it was really hard to accept that in addition to having M.S., now I had to figure out how to deal with epilepsy on top of that.
In the end, it all comes down to the same thing. Those aspects of this singular life that are a burden — harsh disease, homeland being seized by a popular fascist autocracy, loss of any sort … etc — are difficult. Losing oneself in the shadow of such burdens is, in and of itself, a deep defeat. For me; the goal of the balancing act that I always need to juggle is where I can be aware of these burdens — so I can do whatever I can to help alleviate them — yet, at the same time, not allow them to cow and consume me. far I can get with that.
